50 years

Earlier this year, I turned 50.  I've lived half a century on this earth.  I'm pretty sure I've long passed the half-way point of my life.  So I've been reflecting on exactly what my life has been, what it has meant, what I've accomplished or not accomplished.

In looking back, it's easy for me to see the mistakes I made, the things I said that should have been left unsaid, the things I shouldn't have done but did anyway...the times I chose sin when I knew better.  I don't have any problems identifying these things.  They stand out to me, brightly lit against the backdrop of my life.

And that's a good thing...for how can we change, how can we live a life better focused on serving Him if we don't identify our weaknesses, our own *pet* sins that we guard as though they were a fortune at Fort Knox?

And I also see a small part of my purpose here...I see my husband, the man I was given as a gift to cherish and love and serve and help.  I see my children, entrusted to my care to nurture and guide and protect and train.  I see my lost babies, all 8 of them, and know that I was chosen to be their mama, even if only for a short while, and I feel honored to have been a part of their lives.

I've been blessed in this life.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply and in whom I have found my other half.  I have 4 children.  I am able to be a stay at home mama. I was raised by good parents who loved me and showed me the way to Him.

I've known loss as many have...the loss of a lifetime friend...the loss of a godly daddy who I loved deeply...the loss of infertility...the loss that comes with burying your toddler...the loss that miscarriage and still birth brings...There is no life that isn't touched by loss.

But in my 50 years here, I've also experienced great joy.  Joy that comes from knowing who you serve...joy that comes in the morning after a long hard night of pain and struggle.  Would I recognize the joy if I had not suffered through the loss?  Would I know the mountaintop if I had not walked through the valley? 

At this point in my life, I've had to acknowledge that certain dreams I've had for my life will never happen.  I've had to accept that there are certain things I can not have or do or even be.

Reflection also serves to remind me that I *can* achieve certain things...I *can* stay the course, run the race.  I can achieve the purpose I am here for, if only I keep my eyes on the goal.